I remember very clearly one interview I had with a Pastor
Nominating Committee years ago. We had
been in conversations for a couple of months, and we were getting serious. We had a Saturday morning time set aside to
make a final discernment together. I
regretted having to call them a few days before that time to tell them I had to
reschedule our interview, since a member of the congregation I was serving had just
died, and the funeral had been set for Saturday morning. (I was not far from the PNC's church, so
rescheduling was fairly easily accomplished... thankfully.) We agreed to meet on Saturday afternoon.
When I got to the church the committee was already
gathered. After some informal visiting,
we prayed together, and then began our discussion. Someone asked me how the funeral went...
which I always find to be an interesting, if not a little peculiar, question. I vividly remember looking at this person,
and then at the rest of the committee, and saying, "You ought to know this
about me. Most times I would rather do a
funeral than a wedding any day. At least
in a funeral, the focus is clearly on God and our need for God's presence in
our circumstances. In many weddings, the
focus is on the dress, the tuxes, who's standing next to whom, where to sit
family so no one is offended... in other words, almost anything except a clear
focus on God and our need for God in that circumstance!" There was a marked pause, and then folks
slowly started to shake their heads in understanding and agreement. "I can see that," said one. (By the way, they ended up inviting me to
candidate, and I ended up serving as the pastor of that congregation for eight
years. So, they clearly weren't too
shocked at my comment.)
To be sure, there are weddings that are an absolute joy to
be a part of, and I am grateful for times when I have been invited to be a part
of such a celebration of covenantal love.
But then there are "those" weddings... where family members
can hardly keep good manners, where everyone is distracted by things (like
clothes and who stands where) that really don't make one bit of difference in
the long run, where my mention of God almost seems an inconvenient interruption
in the events of the day for people.
Over the years, I've come up with an easy solution... but
one I doubt if I'll ever see... although one never knows. I believe that our Presbyterian Book of Order
ensnares us in an inescapable conundrum in the first two sentences in the
section on marriage (W-4.9000 for those "inquiring minds" among
readers). Here is what it says: "Marriage is a gift God has given to all
humankind for the well-being of the entire human family. Marriage is a civil contract between a woman
and a man."
Now, the Church is going to be wrestling once again at this
year's General Assembly in two weeks, focusing on the second sentence above...
but focusing on the last six words of that sentence. I contend that it is the first five words
that present us with our dilemma... or at least with the dilemma I have felt
over the years. I'd welcome a day to
come where the Church no longer is in the "business" of overseeing "civil
contracts" between people in a marriage.
We Presbyterians believe strongly - even vehemently at times - in the
separation of Church and State. Yet here
we continue to put ministers at weddings in the position of functioning as an
official at a State ceremony, having to sign a State-issued marriage
license. It would be cleaner, in my
opinion, and would solve all sorts of dilemmas, if we just declared that we
were getting out of the wedding business as a Church! If people want to be married, then go to the
State and have a civil ceremony to satisfy the legalities of a marriage
relationship. But then, if the couple wants
to proclaim and give witness to the importance that their faith in God has for
their marriage, that is when you would come to the Church. Then is when there would be a joy-filled
worship service, clearly focusing on God as the source of all love and the one
who blesses our covenant relationships.
As I said, I'm not going to hold my breath on this one, but
I do think that wedding ceremonies then really could be services of the worship
of God, asking the Lord to bless this already-married couple and their
relationship, giving public witness to the joys, responsibilities, and
blessings of what it means to the Church and to our society to live together in
a covenant relationship.
Who knows? I might be
surprised some day... and it would be a surprise that I would surely welcome.
